Job 27: 5b
5b till I die, I will not deny my integrity.
In seminary, Joanna** sat between the professor and I. Mesmerized by her fingers sifting through her hair, I caught myself staring. Though no one noticed me staring, I blushed and looked away.
Her short, straight hair came only to the nape of her neck. A brilliant student, her eyes sparkled when she smiled. I often tried to get her to smile at me that semester.
As Finals approached, I asked her to study with me. We found a quiet spot in the library, studied some, and spoke of our dreams for our respective futures.
As I walked home that evening, I realized that was the last time I could ever be alone with her. I did not trust myself. I was married to someone else.
I avoided Joanna the next couple of weeks. She might wave, and I would wave also, but I would immediately pretend to be busy with some task. A puzzled, hurt look would cross her eyes and I would lower my own to avoid her expression. I began to feel embarrassed, confused, and hurt myself.
I really did like her. She had a pleasant personality. Pretty and quick-witted, I had to make a tremendous effort to avoid her. I enjoyed her company but I had to decide what was important in my life.
I tried to think of the positive characteristics of my wife. But I knew this decision had to transcend mere comparisons of who I liked the best. I was not dating both of them; I was married to one of them.
I have not seen Joanna in ten years and I wonder if she even remembers me. I think if I ever do see her again I will apologize to her. Joanna may not have known I struggled so much,... but she probably did. She tried to be a friend and I tried to make more out of the relationship than what was supposed to exist. When we slip in our integrity of who we are supposed to be, we hurt not only ourselves. We also hurt those around us.
** Joanna is not her real name
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